Also, I think everyone on the whole worldwide internets knows by now that Michael Muhney totally talked about my boobs all weekend. This is great for many reasons. For one thing, quotableboy totally bought me an engagement ring, because he’s worried about me leaving him now that I get to hang out with celebrities who appreciate my, er, assets. Sure the ring only cost seventeen dollars, because I spent all our savings on the Austin trip, and thus he is known to all now as my fauxancé instead of my fiancé, but whatever. More importantly, the pressure is completely off of me to be funny in this recap. Instead, I plan on just completely ogling Lamb, because Michael Muhney totally started it with the objectification and whatnot.
Not that I am complaining.
Veronica is still wallowing in her bedroom when Wallace shows up, and does what all best friends should do post-breakup; namely, telling her she smells and she must leave the apartment immediately and engage in some debauchery. Wallace is just lucky Veronica didn’t kick him in the shins when he told her she needed to take a shower, which is totally what I did to hjcallipygian when he said the same thing to me when I was moping after my longtime boyfriend cheated on me. My ex didn’t get the girl pregnant, but she did give him the herp, so that was cool.
Anyway, they get to have some nice banter, but then Lamb shows up, because destroying everyone’s happiness was totally one of his New Year’s resolutions. He’s there to arrest her as an accomplice in the kidnapping of Faith Manning. Of COURSE the Mannings named the baby Faith. They’re like every fanfic writer ever who has Logan and Veronica getting married straight out of high school, having a baby, and naming it Lilly Lynn.
Lamb has come equipped with reinforcements, natch. See, he’s wise to Veronica Mars. He knows she’d do something crafty, like point to something shiny, or toss him some porn, then slip out the window while he was distracted. Three grown men will totally be enough to wrestle a bathrobed teenage girl into a cop car. I’m just disappointed to see that he hasn’t brought Sachs, who should completely call me by the way, because my ring only cost seventeen dollars, and I am not immune to the powers of the mustache. (I’m restraining myself from making a “Mustache Rides, 50 cents” joke here, because I am classy.) Oh, well, I’m sure it was just Sachs’ night off, and he was otherwise occupied being a superhero with Inga.
As if the two other cops weren’t enough, Lamb has also brought his handcuffs, which he proudly brandishes. He looks pleased at the opportunity to handcuff Veronica for approximately the seventy billionth time in two years, and also looks like he hopes Keith doesn’t have awesome mind-reading powers in addition to his kickass investigative abilities, because you know Lamb has dirty thoughts involving Veronica and handcuffs, y’all. Which is fair, because I have dirty thoughts about Lamb and handcuffs.
Down at the station, Veronica stands in a lineup with several other blondes, including a Paris Hilton wannabe coming off of a coke binge, a pleasant-looking but dippy young woman who has clearly been lobotomized, my high-school trigonometry teacher who was a scary weightlifting chick, and a hooker who is clearly wondering if she left the oven on. Veronica, for her part, looks completely flabbergasted at her lineup compatriots, who are each approximately nine feet taller than she is. In the deleted scenes in the DVD of my mind, Lamb totally hits on them all, but gets shot down by everyone except the butch math-teacher looking one.
After consulting with her father and Cliff (who should also totally call me, because I’m thinking of starting a phone sex operation from my house, and I would make millions off the way he says “tawdry”), Veronica is shown into Lamb’s office by Sachs, who has probably vanquished untold evil already this evening, all while wearing tights. Vinnie Van Lowe, everyone’s favorite non-Mars PI, is there in the capacity of Celeste’s lapdog. Between Celeste and Lamb, I’m surprised they can fit so much bitchface into one room. Vinnie warmly and smarmily (warmily? smarmly?) inquires as to Veronica’s well-being, and she confesses her surprise at finding that hell is air-conditioned. I’m not surprised at all, because the air-conditioning is what’s keeping Lamb’s shirt on, and I think we all know that hell is not getting to see Lamb in various stages of undress.
Celeste says some things, but all I hear is “blah blah, I’m an icy bitch, blah blah, someone replaced my blood with antifreeze so I wouldn’t shatter when I walked, blah blah blah”.
Lamb twirls a pen, and I have never wanted to be a pen so badly in my entire life.
When I calm down, Lamb is informing Celeste that Vinnie’s presence is really unnecessary, because “private investigators just make the work of law enforcement officers more difficult”. I would agree, except Veronica and Keith have solved approximately ninety gazillion of the cases that have gone through the Neptune Sheriff’s Department over the past season and a half. Also, Vinnie could never be unnecessary, because Ken Marino is fucking hilarious, and I’ve had a crush on him for half of my life now. Seriously, I was 12 when The State was on, and I’ve had the total hots for him since then. I’m legal now, Ken! Call me! Anyway, Celeste blows out on an icy gale, and Vinnie follows, being sure to pay a little tribute to his Hall and Oates fetish with an “I’m watching you” gesture that hearkens back to his appearance in “Kanes and Abel’s”. The only thing that could have improved the moment would have been if he would have offered to dip his balls in something.
When they are alone at last, Lamb orders Veronica to sit. I can only assume she obeys without protesting, because she can tell he’s anxious to whip out the handcuffs again, since cuffing her is apparently his favorite hobby. He busts out his mad interrogative skills in the form of telling her to write down anything she can think of to help him find Duncan - favorite places, sources of money, known aliases and the like. Essentially, he’s gotten really comfortable with the fact that she can do his job better than he can, and has decided not to beat around the bush.
Veronica tries to appeal to Lamb’s secret good side, asking him if he thinks the kid is better off with Duncan or the Mannings, what with all he knows about their propensity to lock kids in the closet and emotionally traumatize them and whatnot. However, oh snap - he doesn’t actually have a secret good side. Or if he does, it’s so secret, even he doesn’t remember it exists. Instead, he tells her coldly that he should have busted her that night, because now his ass is in a sling if he doesn’t find Duncan. I should be saddened by our lack of further insight into his bad childhood or whatever, but that’s what fanfic is for, I guess. Plus, he does this really sexy lip-biting thing, and I find myself too distracted to be able to muster up any sort of outrage over lack of character development.
After a brief interlude, Veronica hands over her statement, and the two engage in a few moments of throwing each other hateful looks. I could seriously watch an hour of that.
Later, Lamb converses with one of the cops manning the border and doing individual car searches. Lamb says confidently that he’s sure Duncan hasn’t crossed the border yet, but he will. Then, the universe totally implodes because Lamb is right about something. After several billion years, the universe regenerates, and I continue with the recap.
Sachs has returned from having lunch with Batman, and alerts Lamb as to the presence of the FBI. Lamb, who has totally watched cop shows to train for this moment, clears a game of some sort off his desk, and pretends to be engrossed in a file. Wow, he’s tricky with the mind games and the power plays. Well done.
The FBI agents introduce themselves as Agent Morris and Agent Willis. Agent Morris is obviously some kind of cover identity, because we all know her real name is Agent Xena. Agent Xena is about ten times the man Lamb will ever be, and he secretly likes it. Lamb tries to make with the pleasantries and the cooperation, but it quickly becomes apparent that Agent Xena runs the show. Lamb looks horrified, and a little turned on, until she makes him repeat the words “team” and “me” after her, while Agent Willis makes hilarious hand gestures. Then he just looks skeptical, and a little heartburny.
New Bouncer Cop announces to the braintrust that Veronica Mars is in the station. Lamb is quick to inform the FBI agents that Veronica is wily and untrustworthy, but Agent Xena thinks there’s no way a teenage girl could be as difficult to deal with as terrorists. Lamb makes a “you have no idea what you’re getting into” face, and he’s totally right again, and thus, the polar ice caps all melt and the rainforests simultaneously burst into flames.
The braintrust regards Veronica as she sits in interrogation snarking on pop culture. Dude, Veronica should totally write for TwoP. Agents Xena and Willis engage in some banter about how they’ll need snipers and a chopper to handle this miscreant. Little do they know. Lamb just puts on the tough guy face he practices in front of his mirror every night, and asks her what she’s got. She’s remembered Duncan’s dot mac account. Lamb is clueless as to what that is, and the FBI agents quickly fill in the details, like, whoa guys, please don’t emasculate Lamb all at once, because there will be nothing left for me if you break him. Lamb is not buying that Veronica’s just remembering this detail, and that she was helpful enough to traipse down to the station and pass it along, and he disregards it when she informs him that Duncan wouldn’t go to Mexico. It’s great, because he has learned that she will play everyone. He just doesn’t get that she’s playing him on an entirely different level than she’s playing the FBI. It’s cool too that she realizes he’ll be suspicious, and layers in that extra intrigue accordingly. He’s finally becoming a more worthy adversary, but she’s still two moves ahead.
Lamb asks Veronica to wait in the hall, and she hilariously and snottily tells him he should, instead. He rather amiably informs her he could lock her up, and she hysterically flounces off, leaving Lamb alone with Agent Xena. Agent Xena asks for a coffee, and Lamb buzzes Sachs to order two coffees, because shit rolls downhill. In the deleted scenes in the DVD of my mind, Sachs on the other end of the line is all, “I’m playing golf with Superman today! I don’t have to take this!”
Lamb turns on the charm like whoa, and is all, “So, the FBI.”. Michael told me in Austin that delivery was a shout-out to Hannibal Lecter. Okay, he told a lot of people that, and I just happened to hear. Shut up. I can totally pretend we’re close enough friends to discuss his acting techniques, since he talked about my (admittedly awesome) breasts in front of at least 50 people. Anyway, Lamb’s being all hot, and they’re totally going to have to get the janitor in to mop up the testosterone flying everywhere as he talks about how he’s considered applying for the FBI. Agent Xena quickly and accurately assesses his lack of qualifications. He actually doesn’t seem too bothered by her dismissiveness. I have to assume he doesn’t really notice, or is maybe thinking about what he’s going to have for lunch.
We do learn that Lamb attended college in southwest Texas for a year before blowing out a knee playing football, which is probably a shout-out to Michael Muhney injuring his leg playing football in high-school before turning to acting. Or it could be a shout-out to me, since I was born in Texas, and sprained my knee a year ago in a bizarre waitressing accident at a Tex-Mex restaurant. Guacamole is slippery, y’all.
After a few hours, the FBI has gotten into Duncan’s files. Lamb leans against a wall and smirks meanly when Agent Xena informs Veronica that Duncan’s password was “Meg Kane” backwards.
I have never wanted to be a wall so badly in my entire life.
Anyway, Lamb gets Veronica up to speed on their discovery of Duncan’s boat purchase, and Veronica makes disparaging remarks about his actual level of involvement in actually figuring something out. There’s a great moment where Agent Willis grins at Veronica’s snarking. According to imdb.com, the actor playing him, C.S. Keys, is a weatherman in San Diego with very few acting credits. I love me some Lamb, man, but Keys totally stole the scenes he was in, and deserves many props for doing so much with not a lot of material.
Lamb still thinks Duncan’s headed for Mexico, and bets Veronica a hundred bucks on it. Veronica points out the illegality of gambling, but I think he’s just trying to get a read on her, because he really is kind of smart this episode, even if he ultimately gets screwed. I know, the Earth just spun off its axis, etc. I’m sure he can’t crack her poker face, though, but that does give me a moment to play something from the deleted scenes in the DVD of my mind, where Lamb, Logan, Wallace, Weevil, and Veronica play poker together and it is AWESOME.
The next day, the FBI traces a call to Veronica’s cell phone, and pinpoints the location somewhere up in Big Bear. Lamb manfully straps on his utility belt or whatever, where they keep the guns and mace and nightsticks and whatnot.
I’ve never wanted to be a utility belt or whatever so much in my entire life.
Alas for our poor Sheriff, the FBI has decided he is not needed. Lamb pouts, like he’s the only kid in the class whose parents wouldn’t sign the form so he could go on the field trip to the aquarium, and now he has to stay at the school in the care of the slightly creepy janitor.
Later, Lamb broods pensively and stares out the window. Sachs comes in and informs him that Veronica’s ATM card was used in Mexico. Either Lamb needs some new blinds, or he is just actually too hot to look at directly, because Sachs kind of averts his eyes. Lamb grins like he just figured out how to forge his parents’ signature on the permission slip and gets to go to the aquarium after all. He heads towards Mexico. In the deleted scenes in the DVD of my mind, Sachs curses that he wasn’t even invited, and then reminds himself that he doesn’t have to be a sidekick, because he has a cape, for chrissake, so there.
A cool zoomy camera angle takes us through traffic at the border where we catch up to Lamb who is chewing some gum like it is his JOB to chew gum.
I have never wanted to be a piece of gum so badly in my entire life.
Anyway, he gets waved through, and gets to pass the border without being inspected. He drives through desert-y landscape, and completely checks himself out in the rearview mirror. He even raises his eyebrows. I think he’s flirting with himself. Not that I can blame him - if I were that hot, I would have to turn myself in for sexual harassment.
He finally arrives at the hotel where Veronica’s card was used, and assholishly shows a picture of Duncan to the proprietor. Yeah, I don’t know how you can assholishly display a photo either, but he does it. The proprietor makes a joke about all white guys looking alike to him, but Lamb must have been practicing that tough guy face all the way down from Neptune, because the proprietor’s smile quickly fades, and he points Lamb toward the restaurant down the road.
Lamb gets some info from a stoner-type surfer dude at the restaurant who also can’t tell generic white guys apart, even though he is one. He may have directed Duncan to a grocery store a few hours earlier. Even the stoner kid knows enough about the law to realize that Lamb does not actually technically have jurisdiction in Mexico.
Lamb gets in his car and zooms off down the road in a series of jerky camera angles that are cool, but that also kind of remind me of that part in Monty Python and the Holy Grail where the knights are rushing up the hill, and every time the drumroll in the music starts again they’re back where they started. Some hitchhikers, including a blonde dude in a cowboy hat watch him peel out.
A few miles away, Lamb’s car trunk pops open as he steers over some railroad tracks. He gets out to find the trunk littered with empty water bottles and Lunchables, because hiding in the trunk of a car is thirsty business indeed. A look of absolute shock dawns on his face as he realizes that Veronica played him again, and he totally smuggled Duncan into Mexico himself. Well darlin’, at least you were smarter than the FBI. But Veronica Mars will always be smarter than you.